Something eveyone seems to do is forget that the parents, families and friends of a sufferer of an Eating Disorder (ED) are hurting just as much as the sufferer. The person they love is hurting and they fear for that person's life. They don't know how to speak to the sufferer, what to tall their friends or where to turn. This post is for you!
I would love to say that I have a thousand places in mind to suggest you can seek help at but I simply dont'. I would love to say that there is a service available in the ACT or surrounding regional areas that would be able to provide high level specialized care but there isn't. I would love to say that there is a government established that understands how poor their services are but at the moment they aren't making steps to improve their existing services.
These are all things that CAN change!
No Eating Disorder is "textbook."
No story is the same.
Everyone is unique and so are their stories.
You may have heard us on the radio (106.3) this morning. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to say very much but I'll say what I can here and try to make it as clear as I can (believe me I could soend a life time going on and on but I'll limit myself to relevent information.)
To the Parents:
You may be feeling lost and don't know what to do. You are frustrated, angry, hurt and upset and your life is probably a living hell as your fear for your child's life, long for "the old son/daughter" who was happy and healthy. You are hurt by professionals, don't know where to turn in the first place and don't know how to talk to your son/daughter or your friends.
My parents were emotionally torn apart by my illness. They were vaguely aware that something was wrong but didn't like to mention it to me because I would become very distressed and annoyed. When I was annoyed I pushed them further and further away. They felt exhausted and didn't know what to do. The physical effects of my disease (anorexia) hit hard and fast. I was hospitalized by my GP and the first doctor to see me told me "you are likely to die very soon."
My parents were devestated! They felt that they had failed. What could they have done better? What had they done wrong? Had they caused it? The reality is that my parents are two wonderful people who have given me everything. They were accused of sexually abusing me, being controlling, dominating my life, too protective and even accused of neglecting me (my brother had cancer when I was young.) My parents stuck by me those two months in hospital (a private psychiatric hospital in Canberra which had no specializations in Eating Disorders as no other hospital had room or they thought I was "too sick".)
They were working, they were visiting me (although at one point the doctor told them not to visit me) and they were exhausted! After hospital it didn't stop. I had dieticians, psychologists, psychiatrists and my GP all telling them different things. I attended a day program (which I left because they left myslef and my parents worse off emotionally and mentally.) Nothing seemed to work. But with their support I got by. With their support and love and never-ending unconditional love I survived.
The message here for any parent is NEVER GIVE UP!!! The hospital system is cruel. The health system is messy. Go to a GP and seek help for your son/daughter. Talk to your son/daughter.
Your child is not gone! They are sick with a mental illness that is trying to puch you out of thier lives because it is afraid because it knows your child loves you and wants to be with you not the ED.
Don't be afraid to seek help for yourself too. Talk to someone close to you or a psychologist about what you are experiencing. You're no help to your child if you're an emotional wreck and are likely to snap and tell them "why can't you just get better?" or "get over it!" Things like this are said out of anger and the ED teaches your child to hold onto these outbursts and your child will hurt even more. It's hard to be a 24hr support! Just try to treat everyday anew and try to move on. Try not to burst and don't hate yourself if you do, talk to your child and say you're sorry and "what can I do to help?" You may get a "Nothing I hate you!" repsonse but eventually you may just wear the ED down and a whole heap of emotions may come spilling out so brace yourself (I did this once. I got to a point where I was like "I hate this! I want out! I want my life back!!!!")
"Your illness has been a much harder road to travel. With Matt's (my brother) illness (cancer) it was so easy to jump on the medical treadmill and do all the treatment options...but with you there was no textbook answer." - Mum, on my illness
There is hope. Remember that.
To Friends & Every Other Loved One:
You may be wondering what happened to your friend. You may be thinking that they're not themself. You might be to scared to talk to them about what might be wrong...or you might bite the bullet, talk and get a negative response (they break all communication with you or yell at you.) What the hell can you do?
When I was becoming ill I shut myself out from EVERYONE. I didn't talk to family or friends. I didn't go out to group outings, I didn't want to garden with my mum. All I wanted was to be alone. So how do you communicate, let alone help, someone who you can see is ill and who you may suspect is developing or battling an ED? Answer: there is no easy way to do it.
Some of my friends have said they could tell for a while that something was up. They became really worried that something was really wrong when my face became thin and I looked frail and sick. They didn't know what to say so they kept quiet being afraid to talk to me about it for fear of upsetting me or making me mad. There were some girls at my school who whispered "she's doing it for attention." I can tell you now that I was NOT doing it for attention and I can tell you now that when I found out (before becoming so unwell that I risked dying from a heart attack any minute) what those girls were saying I just wanted to lock myself in my room and crawl under a rock.
!!!! There is no easy option and no formula!!!!!! but DO....
1: Stick around! You never know if your friend may reach out to you.
2: Stand up for the sufferer. Shut up the people who are making negative and potentially damaging comments. They can puch your loved one over the edge!
3: Keep a smile on and be yourself (don't sit ther and be like "finish your lunch or else!!!!")
Try to talk to them. Even talk to a trusted peer (who you know will not spread gossip or pass on your concern.) Even talk to a counsellor or psychologist about what you can do to help.
You are a key support for the sufferer. Where will they turn if you or/& their parents turn away? They need you and they do want you there. Theit ED doesn't want you there, they DO.
Summing Up:
Remember NO ONE IS THE SAME!!!!! Just because a book tells you "they do this" doesn't mean that they do.
Keep an open mind!
Start every day anew and try and smile.
Be there! Stick around. Don't run away. It's hard but it's really important.
Don't be pushy eg. "you are anorexic!" or "just eat! It's not that hard" or "you're attention seeking"
Surround yourself with positive people who will support you! You need support too as well as the sufferer.
Know that this does not get better overnight! Be in it for the long haul and be prepared for a rocky ride.
All the best.
Know that it can get better.
Kat xox
This is a poster in the Civic Bus Interchange - I'm naughty, I stuck it over one of the ANU posters. Please note that the poster below says "ANU" and not "ANO" becuase we don't promote eating disorders as a lifestyle choice!!!
